It's Time.

Hello Blogworld.
So. It's been far too long since I've sat at this (ok, well, any) desk and just WRITE. So this is what i plan on doing tonight.

Why tonight? Because I don't plan on sleeping for a while, though I feel more like output than input tonight. In other words, I would rather write than read. A further reason is that I have just went for an exhilarating walk in the Sackville nighttime mist with Nathan and Derek, two frosh from 2nd East this year.
I then took a shower because I felt extremely mosit after walking in the mist... and now need to wait for my hair to dry.

These are the means by which I have sat down with excited fingers. Though my motivation for writing is also important. And it is connected to the events earlier tonight. Walks are important to clear out one's mind and serve as a refreshing breath. Although solitary walks often are necessary, they usually end up filling one's brain up even more and allow no room for output.
Walks with other people are essential for two reasons. They allow you to grow in your relationships with those whom you are walking. They also allow and create a very healthy environment for output. From everyone. And that is the greatest stress reliever.
I worry I do not make the best use of my time, or my words, or my capacity for ideas. Though unfortunately the time spent worrying is a larger waste of time and results in lower productivity.
Why am I rambling about theoretical stuff? I intended to debrief about the walk. I intended to ramble about my pursued goal and my secret goal in life. I intended to be just a little bit dramatic. But what happened...I got ahead of myself. I jumped to conclusions, assumptions, and broad definitions without actually understanding the specifics.

Why am I so scared of writing it all down... because we all know the permanence of words. The minute they are down they cannot be taken back. They can be forgiven but not entirely erased.
Anyways. What is it exactly that I am so dreadfully (oh, come on. stop being so dramatic...) afraid of saying?
I think I like Nathan. There. That's it. Let the crazy obsession begin.
Except no. I don't want to crazy obsessed over a 'boy'. I want to actually become his friend. And talk about things, like tonight. And gain his trust. And become someone respectable.
I actually want to be an artist. I want to save the world with NGO's but I want to be a crazy artist living in a loft in Brooklyn or LA, or Toronto or Vancouver. I dream of the extravagent lifestyle. But I am so convinced I have to be practical. WHY!?!
I want to tell Nathan that I actually want to be an artist. If I had my way I would paint and draw and take pictures all day long. And then write about it.
I am dreadfully afraid and unmotivated with school this year. I wonder if I'm taking all the wrong classes, or if I am just not applying myself in a way which will be 'prodcutive'. I want to do well. But as always, i want to care about what I'm working on.
In my life, whatever I do, I will journal. In pictures, and in words. In the moments full of life, and in the moments of ultimate desperation. I want to be able to have a clear head going into my daily life. i want to know how to get all the emotional stuff out of the way so I can be scientific about my papers and reading. With application and attention to detail. Scientific precision is necessary in so many disciplines. I cannot imagine a life without the study of science. It has caused a great amount of controversy, though it has proved to be SO important to our lives.

One question I have just begun to consider is what lies in the future for the world and for all of us? If we will soon run out of resources and all that goes along with that, then how do we expect to perpetuate our life of technology. Will our creative outputs feel left out if the corporations take over? Will machines and 'faster ways of doing things' eventually dissolve our world away?
I hope not. And I hope that we soon learn ways to minimize our use of electronics so that we are no longer dependant on them for living. That is one goal I hope we succeed in completing. I want to see a more ethical use of the technology we are given. And while there are many large scale projects already existing, there are many more undercover individuals and organizations which undermine the progress made by the overachievers.
I hope we soon realise the world must become larger with some more restrictive boundaries, to minimize our travel and consumption. This may only need to be a temporary goal if sustainable energy is developed though, because with sustainable energy we can power the ships and planes and other modes of transportation. This allows for more transportation at a lower cost to the environment.

Eventually a cohabitable planet would be amazing. If we could all organize a system of trade where the economy and environment equaled a net benefit we would be golden. I hope to see serious progress towards that on all levels of class, religion, gender, and nationality within my lifetime. It must be possible. War is not innate. With education the instinct towards violence can be surpressed and mediated. With academic education the possibility for learning operation of armoury is deleted. With guns and violence not being present we are likely to be productive, healthy, and unstressed. Trade and political wars would also be marked as irrelavent.

I suppose I am very much a political idealist, though I see the struggle in change. I believe that art can change people. It is a powerful force. Unfortunately it is commonly used discreetly or with negative intentions through advertising, publications, and home decor. Without active attention to a piece of art, the beauty and intellectual stimulation is lost to the subconscious. I wish there was a way for us to recap an art sighting with people on the street. Then they would understand why they are attracted to the art and attach a word to that confused emotion they were struggling with while viewing the piece.


I want to extend this but I think I should get enough sleep tonight. It is nevessary.
I hope to have figured a few things out with OTHER people awful soon.
Maybe I'll actually be able to carry on a conversation about this stuff out loud in public. egads! :P
Good night non descript public world. :)

-Judi