So, all this week since I returned from PEI I've been frozen to the bone in my dorm room. I thought it was faulty heating. I thought it was because I foolishly left my window open one 'nice' afternoon. I thought it was because I am still wearing summer clothes and pretending it is 30 degrees with bright shining sunshine.
All of this may be true. But I feel there is some further connection. There is a deeper meaning.
Here's the story:
Today I was lazy. I had all day to be throughly productive. I was finished classes at 10 Am. I was however quite busy up until 4:30. All of a sudden my energy level fell, and I had no motivation to do anything. I stuck myself at my computer and essentially did nothing. Not even Facebook was amusing. For 3 hours I felt paralyzed. The only downside to this paralysis is that there was a heavily present cloud of numbness. It felt like a toe-dipping into the deepest state of loneliness.
Chatted with Teresa on FbCh. Hovered and became further discontented with the extensive possibilities of the Internet. Decided if I was going to be lazy I might as well.....not be. So I just got up and went to the gym. I think Teresa's motivation helped. She had to leave so she could go to the gym. Simple enough. Why don't I do that too?
So I did. I grabbed my workout clothes and booked 'er to the campus gym. I mainly booked 'er becuase it IS postively frigid after 6 pm here. Once I got there I knew why I was there. To prove to myself that I was not the laziest bugger there and that I needed to being my process of self renewal, all to build a healthy level of self-consciousness.
I listened to music, did a few machines and then (kept gym clothes on) and left. I felt so much better on the walk back, and the air didn't even seem that cold this time around.
A feeling of reassurance and renewed faith in myself and my endurance was what I felt when I walked, feeling the bear of the music and the ground beneath my feet. (I always think I am totally grounded and actually to an extent that it turns egotistical. I'm sorry to anyone whom I offended in the past, and whomever I may offend in the future.)
Anyways, when I rounded the chapel, listening to "Opposite Way" by Leeland, There was such a strong compelling urge to stop that I couldn't move forward; I do believe there was some hand of God in this. (this was not an 'other-worldly' force, but my thought process was stopped, and all I could think of was how I hadn't been to church in over a week, and how I purposely missed vespers this week, and how I wanted nothing to be connected to God again.
I couldn't quite find enough human respect in myself to come to a complete stop, or to sit on the chapel step, or even to enter the open building; however I did manage to pull myself around and pace around the entrance doors. I quickly paused to say a foolish, aloof dedication to get the feeling off my heart, however this wasn't good enough. At this moment I went to take a drink of water and the adjuster thing on top had been closed. It was probably me who was playing with it while walking. However this was a distinct enough sign for me to pick up that I had not properly acnowledged God. This time I stopped.
I removed the earbuds form my ears and I stood. Not for very long, but I stood. I put my body out of action and committed my mind and soul fully. This would not be a swift kiss to the sky, this was a calming of the fury within me. I heard the organ in the church. I saw lights flicker in the chapel ceiling and the stained glass shimmered in Oh! so! many ways.
I believe this trip to the gym was a long time coming, yet it came at the right time, because I was in such a deperate state. Nothing felt comfortable since last week. Missing two opportunities of confession, worship and dedication ruined my week. Luckily I was perceptive of a lovely opportunity to wipe my slate clean.
I discovered this week that my expectations are set far too high. I expect people to approach me with warm hearts and kind greetings at a table in the Meal Hall. I expect the conversation to happen around me, yet I who contributes nothing will be held up in the same respect as them. I expect sympathy and constant attention. I am a conditioned only child.
I expect the cutest guy to discover me as soon as I discover him. I expect my intellect (obviously superb) to grant me everything. I expect the best in myself. I respect the inferior mistakes in others. God, I am a horrible person.
I expected the music I quietly become absorbed in while sitting in my dorm room to project the "real me" to everyone who walks the halls. I now know better. It doesn't matter what music I play, unless I turn it up really loud. No one will respond to the music choices I have because everyone has the same music choices, and my music isn't obscure enough to attract THAT crowd.
I really hope this university adventure continues to be exciting. I hope more though, that it becomes a interpersonal discovery, not a solely personal adventure for four years. I really do love people. I'm just a geek that's all.
-Judi
P.S. I honestly do love You, and I wish I could meet You.
P.P.S. This has been the circles of Judi's mind. Thank you for visiting.
